Okay Curious One. This next novel will get you! I promise, if you are into psychological thrillers even in the slightest of ways, you will fall in love with this debut novel, Before I Go to Sleep, written by S.J. Watson.
Hopefully, we can stay on the same page with this discussion as I do my best to navigate both my feelings towards the events happening in Before I Go to Sleep and depicting the events happening in a way that doesn’t lose you! At the ending there are a few group discussion questions that the author posed and a couple of them I would love to explore with you.
I realize how often my brain gets tangled up in the web of the storyline that is being weaved by the author, but Before I Go to Sleep was astounding! I undeniably loved it! Even as the reader, looking into the life of Christine, you think you have found the answer and then get convinced you are totally wrong! Surprisingly, one of the first thoughts that popped into my head was “what if Ben isn’t really Ben?” And then Bam! You are convinced so deeply that he is and you forget you ever thought that until almost the very ending and you are left with a “What??!” expression on your face as you keep staring at the sentence you just read in complete bewilderment! I mean…WHOA! You see it coming, but even still, it slams into you like an avalanche.
Beginning Before I Go to Sleep
Before I Go to Sleep begins with a woman named Christine. The premise is that every night when she goes to sleep, her memories are lost. When she wakes up the next morning, she no longer remembers who she is, where she is, who those around her are and what her life is like. She cannot even remember her age so sometimes she will wake thinking she is in her mid-20’s or even a young child.
This concept is terrifying to me. When trauma happens, oftentimes, the resulting issues cannot be explained or fixed and amnesia is topmost on the list of unexplainable phenomena. It’s easily triggered by anything traumatic and can last a lifetime. Sometimes there are explanations – too much damage to your brain – but in Christine’s case there is no medical explanation. Her body is fully healed, yet she has excessive amnesia and it has been going on for decades.
I personally cannot express how terrifying this would be for me. It makes you ponder what kind of person you would be if you didn’t have your memories to draw off of and how much you would change day-by-day. We would all like to think of ourselves as kind and generous people who do what we can to help others, but what if that weren’t the case one day? What if one day you went berserk and destroyed everything the true you cherished? If you recalled the events later in your life, who would you think is the real you?
Memories and You
I think that everything that happens to us molds us into who we become. This is why I have always believed that people can change. How can you not believe that when we all change, all the time? If you are a little kid who lies and steals all the time, but something happens when you are a teenager that imprints so deeply into your memory and soul that you vow to yourself that you will never lie or steal again, does that not change you? Whatever happened was so big that you altered a piece of your personality so that you would be a better person. You have changed. So, couldn’t anyone change?
The book poses the question of: If we cannot remember who we are and what has happened in our life, have those people and things still changed our personalities? Is not remembering something effectively the same as it not having happened? It’s the same question of if a tree falls over in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did it still make a sound? You cannot say for certain that it did make a sound, because you weren’t there to witness it, but you also know without a doubt that if you had been there, you would have heard a sound.
I feel the same about the events in our lives. I personally have terrible long-term memory. I cannot recall a memory of making a snowman with my father during a freezing winter when I was four years old, but I know I did. There are pictures to prove it. Just because you don’t remember it happening, doesn’t mean it never happened.
Planting Memories In Before I Go to Sleep
Perhaps my semi-fear of heights stems from my childhood. If I fell from a tree when I was really little, but don’t remember it today, if I climb a tree, who’s to say that I wouldn’t have those waves rolling in my stomach when I looked down? But just because it makes me nervous doesn’t mean I have to get out of the tree or stop climbing. If we never did anything to grow out of our fears and to make them manageable, then we would never leave our houses. So, the question if you cannot remember something happening, does that make it the same as having never happened – I would have to say no. Just because I cannot remember, doesn’t mean I never did.
On the flip side though, you have to be realistic. You cannot take the word of one or two people only. You cannot convince me that I set a fire or killed someone or abandoned by child or pet with unequivocal proof to present to me and you would then have to convince me that I did something so terrible. Or to donate your entire life’s savings…. If I don’t remember doing that, show me proof and convince me that I did. Does that make sense? What do you think?
Do you think that Ben showed Christine enough proof to convince her or did she want to be convinced and believe so badly that she didn’t want to dig for the truth? How long would it have taken you to search for the same truth every single day if you couldn’t remember your own name? Would you have wanted to fight for your memories, or would you have accepted that this is your fate?
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Memories Worth Fighting for
I know I would want to fight for my memories, no matter how terrible or petrifying. I want to remember building snowmen with my father and searching for Easter eggs in the backyard. I want to remember falling off my bike and scraping my knee when I was learning or how terrible my first lessons were in my hobbies. I would love to remember those in my mind and not have to look at pictures, hoping that what my mind makes up is the reality. Wouldn’t you? I know that I would prefer even one childhood memory over the Calculus lessons I learned in High School… Just saying, to me, memory is everything and whether we remember or not, it has created each and every one of our own unique personas.
Christine is regularly being told by only one person in her life who she is, who she was, what she did, and what happened. Honestly, that point is the biggest thing that made me question who Ben really was in the beginning. I’m just saying, even though it would be harder than almost anything, how could he allow everyone else in her life to be cut out? I really began to question what his motives were and maybe that he wasn’t who he keeps claiming to be.
In regards to Dr. Nash who comes in and out of her life every couple of days, I always had mixed feelings. The author made it a point that Christine felt perhaps he was just using her case as a means to make money and a name for himself and because of that, I mostly didn’t think it were the reality of the situation. It felt a bit like the author was trying to convince you too hard of that train of thought. It would have been a better suspicion if it had been mentioned in passing and then forgotten about. That way, the idea would be planted, but not focused on and it would have kept popping in and out of your mind as a possible reality.
That’s another thing. You would have to take the word of “strangers” to form your thoughts and opinions about yourself. A “stranger” telling you who you are and what you are and where you are? You would be forcing yourself to live by their reality day in and day out and never have the chance to figure it out yourself, because your amnesia prevents it.
Self-Doubt, a True Enemy
Man, it’s such a vicious cycle! I just cannot wrap my head around all the potential negative outcomes of living a life like that and all the self-doubt you must feel all day, every day.
Even when the author introduced the journal that Christine was keeping, you can only ever write what you have been told. And that is what happened with the Doctor, actually. He believed there was a fire that destroyed all the pictures because Christine told him there was because Ben told her there was. And the same with their child. Christine told Dr. Nash that he died in Afghanistan during the way because that is what Ben told her. Ben even faked an obituary on newspaper to convince Christine.
Her journal was full of only half-truths that would be hard for someone who does retain their memories to navigate through, let alone someone who has amnesia every day and forgets everything by the time they wake up the next morning. Christine’s journey of self-discovery and healing her amnesia is convoluted and full of a multitude of different possibilities that are coming to light slowly.
Forgetting Before I Go to Sleep?
I loved this story and hopefully I will read it again. S.J. Watson’s writing style was simple, but engaging and for a debut novel, he really dug deep. It was immediately a non-stop thriller that makes you question not only memory and identity, but the reasoning behind others’ actions and the way our minds convince us of things, even if we know they can’t be true.
You know, I have read tons of thriller and suspense books and have even had my own issues with memory loss, but I have a feeling that Before I Go to Sleep will keep resonating in my mind for awhile. I just can’t get some of her words out of my head. The things she felt and were terrified of feeling… It’s just a powerful book and I hope you can forgive that this discussion is more on the idea behind the book and less about the writing of the book and how it was put together.
I think that there is a powerful statement made with this book and it makes me want to read some of his more recent novels. I can’t tell whether I like S.J. Watson’s writing style with this book because I was so engulfed in the message he was portraying that I got a bit lost in the mystery of his world and didn’t pay attention to his technique and style of writing.
Concluding Before I Go to Sleep
Like I said earlier, Before I Go to Sleep is S.J. Watson’s debut novel. He wrote it in 2011 and it quickly became an international bestseller and won a handful awards. I could find three books written by S.J. Watson and I can’t wait for the chance to read them. I am excited to find out how much I like his writing style. Being published in 40 different languages, as a debut novel, and in the thriller genre, I can’t wait to enter into another world of his!
Before I Go to Sleep was adapted into a film as well! Did you know that already? Prior to reading the book and this discussion, I mean. I’m going to have to check it out and do a quick opinion write-up about it! The cast I think will be brilliant and I want so badly to see how they adapted it!
As always, I hope you are doing well and could follow my thoughts on this one. Before I Go to Sleep is a remarkable and phenomenal thriller that makes you deeply question not only your own memories, but those shared memories with others and how much they differ from your own. I hope your reading keeps going amazingly well!
It’s time for me to find another book…
Check out S.J. Watson at the following links:
S.J. Watson’s Twitter
S.J. Watson’s Website
S.J. Watson on Facebook
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